TBR [to be read], a semi-regular, invitation-only interview series with authors of newly released/forthcoming, interesting books.
Give us your elevator pitch: what’s your book about in 2-3 sentences?
The
Requirement of Grief recounts the unique bond between
two sisters and offers an unflinching perspective on what remains in the wake
of one sibling’s tragic suicide.
What boundaries did you break in the writing of this memoir?
The first chapter is written from my sister Alexis’ imagined
perspective and it takes place on the last day of her life. There are several
other chapters like this throughout the memoir. While I did my best to adhere
to the factual circumstances of my sister’s suicide/life, these chapters are
fiction.
Some would say that they have no place in a memoir. I might
even agree with these people, and yet I felt that Alexis’s perspective needed
to be considered. Since this was impossible, I did my best to recreate it in
these chapters. Alexis kept journals throughout her life and I drew on these as
a way to understand how she saw the world, especially in the deepest throes of
her addiction and mental illness. When I gave myself permission to write these
chapters, I felt as though the manuscript finally came to life.
I had only seen this done once before in one chapter of
Marion Winik’s memoir, First Comes Love, and it had a huge impact on me
as a reader. She shifted into the imagined point of view of her husband Tony,
who died of AIDS. Even 15 years after reading this book, I still remember the
emotional impact that chapter of the book had on me. Seeing this technique used
effectively in another memoir, gave me the courage to try it.
Tell us a bit about the highs and lows of your book’s
road to publication.
When my son was a baby, there was an entire year when he
preferred my wife Lindsay to me. I would walk into his room in the morning and
he would squeal that he wanted her, not me. Logically, I understood that this
was normal and that it would not last forever, but emotionally it was
devastating to be rejected by him. There were days that I questioned myself as
a mother.
Getting rejected over and over as I sent my manuscript out felt
eerily similar. Even though I believed in the quality of my writing and
believed that there was value in the subject matter, I found myself going into
tailspins of self-doubt as the no’s piled up. Logically, I knew this was all
part of the process and I had to press on, but unfortunately my emotion didn’t
care about logic.
Thankfully my writing partner, Judith Krummeck, had an
unwavering belief in the manuscript. I have so much respect for Judith and her
writing that her words buoyed me at the lowest points.
What’s your favorite piece of writing advice?
You want to be a writer? Write.
My favorite writing advice is “write until something
surprises you.” What surprised you in the writing of this book?
One night I went out to dinner with a writing mentor to talk
to her about my manuscript. When I told her about the chapters written from my sister’s
perspective, she asked me if I had written one about the day that Alexis ended
her life. The moment she asked, I knew that I needed to write this. Even though
it wasn’t something I’d planned or wanted to do, I could see that it was
essential to the story. Eventually this became the first chapter of the book.
How did you find the title of your book?
Titles are usually so difficult for me. Typically, my
essay/chapters/books are untitled until the very end, but this one came to me
as I was revising a chapter that contained the following text:
“As time passes, I learn that grief’s only requirement is that it must be carried. It does not care if you are ready for it or if its weight is too much to bear or if you are in the throes of the deepest joy.
"It cannot be set aside even for the briefest moment while you sit on a park bench and enjoy a beautiful sunset. Even then, it must be carried. Carried even as you watch in wonder on the day your son comes into the world. Carried when you bear witness to your parents holding their only grandchild for the very first time. Carried always.”
I
was struck with the realization that The Requirement of Grief was my
title.
*****
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