Again? Already? Wasn’t it just a year ago I was trying to
persuade everyone that despite recent developments, Washington, DC, was NOT a
pure and total den of evil and that everyone should have fun in our city. Not
so sure now that I was right about (or ever totally believed) that highly
optimistic view of such developments…but, anyway, the democracy is still
surviving(ish), and now it’s time to pack up our black clothing and head to
Tampa for #AWP18! (I’m sure that black clothing will fit right into Florida,
and damn it, I don’t care what the temperature is, I’m bringing my boots.)
I’m feeling that this crowd may be a bit smaller
than the most recent AWPs, but we’re still talking 10,000 writers, at least. 12,000?
When will we crash the ceiling to 20,000 (#AWP19 in Portland, I’m guessing)?
However many, A LOT by any standards, but especially by introvert standards: How
can you survive the madness that ensues when thousands of anxious, needy,
glorious writers all pack into one place for 4 days?
Here are my tried & true & freshly updated
tips for success, based on my experience at past conferences (I’ve been a regular
since New Orleans!):
Wear comfortable shoes, at least most of the day.
There’s lots of traipsing around long hallways and the long (sometimes
uncarpeted) aisles of the book fair. It’s also inevitable that the one panel
you really, really, really want to see will be in a teeny-tiny room and you’ll
have to stand in the back…or sit on the floor; see the following tip:
Wear comfortable clothes, preferably taking a layer approach. Wherever you go,
you will end up either in A) an incredibly stuffy room that will make you melt,
or B) a room with an arctic blast directed at you. Bulk up and strip down as
needed. Also, as noted above, despite their best efforts, the AWP conference staff has a knack for
consistently misjudging the size of room required for a subject matter/speakers (i.e. Famous Writer in room with 30 chairs; grad student panel on Use of Dashes
in Obscure Ancient Greek Poet in room with 300 chairs), so you may find
yourself scrunched into a 2’x2’ square on the carpet; see the following tip:
To avoid being stuck sitting on the floor, arrive early to panels you really,
really want to attend. If you are stuck on the floor, hold your ground with a
big bag and/or coat. Whatever you do, do not be nice and squeeze over…those
panels can seem VERY LONG when someone’s knee is wedged in your ribs. (I know
this sounds mean, but I did call these “survival” tips, not “how to win friends”
tips.) UPDATE FROM OFFICIAL AWP: Actually, don't sit on the floor. It creates a fire hazard and a barrier to those who have accessibility needs. [I will see if people discontinue sitting on the floor--I'm guessing unlikely!--and report back on my findings next year.]
If a panel is bad, ditch it. Yes, it’s rude. Yes, everyone does it. (Be better
than the rest by at least waiting for an appropriate break, but if you must go
mid-word, GO.) I can’t tell you the high caliber of presenters that I have
walked out on, but think Very High. Remember that there are a thousand other
options, and you have choices. The only time you have to stick it out is if A)
the dull panel participant is your personal friend or B) the dull panel
participant is/was your teacher or C) the dull panel participant is your
editor/publisher. Those people will notice (and remember) that you abandoned them
mid-drone and punish you accordingly (i.e. your glowing letters of rec will flicker
and fade). Undoubtedly this is why I have never been published in Unnamed Very
High Caliber Magazine, having walked out on the editor’s panel.
There are zillions of panels: When you pick up your registration badge, you’ll
get a massive tome with information about all of them, and also a shorter
schedule that’s easy to carry around. Be dutiful and glance through the ads in
the tome since these are the funders who subsidize our conference. Then ditch the
tome and carry around the smaller master schedule….unless you are an app person
(I’m not). Either way, do take time NOW to go to AWP’s website and scroll
through the schedule and select EVERY panel that sounds even moderately
interesting, and load those into the “my schedule” feature. Keep that stored on
your favorite technology (mine is a sheaf of printed paper…which may be smart
since I often forget how/where to re-access “my schedule,” which requires
logging in and somehow finding “my account”; I assume app people are more adept
than I am). Anyway…no point waking up early on Friday if there’s nothing
you want to attend. I checkmark panels I might go to if nothing better is going
on and star those that I will make a supreme effort to attend. Give yourself a
couple of options at each time slot so that if a room is too crowded, you have
an interesting alternative.
I like to choose a variety of panels: people I
know, people I’ve heard of, genres I don’t write but am curious about, topics I
want to educate myself on. Stretch yourself. I also like to go to a reading in
which I don’t know any of the readers, just to have a lovely sense of
discovery! And don’t forget the ninety-trillion off-site events!
Someone will always ask a 20-minute question that is not so much a question but
a way of showing off their own (imagined) immense knowledge of the subject and
an attempt to erase the (endlessly lingering) sting of bitterness about having
their panel on the same topic rejected. Don’t be that person. Keep
your question succinct and relevant. If you don’t, I promise that everyone will
mimic your annoying question to their friends in the bookfair aisle.
Don’t say anything gossipy on the elevator, unless you want the whole (literary)
world to know it. Do listen up to the conversations of others on the elevator,
and tell your friends what you’ve overheard over your offsite dinner,
embellishing as necessary.
Same advice above exactly applies to the overpriced hotel bar. Also, if
you happen to get a chair at the bar, or, goodness, EVEN A REAL LIVE TABLE,
hang on to it!! People will join you if they see you’ve got a spot!
Famous people! I mean it: the only reason to ever give up a table in the
hotel bar is because the bar has shut down, you’ve consumed every bit of liquid
in the clutter of glasses, and a beefy bouncer is headed your way. (Also, here’s
a fun fact: AWP alcohol consumption often breaks sales records at hotels.)
Speaking of famous people or former teachers or
friends…do not say something like this in one long breathless opening sentence
right after hugging hello:
“Great-to-see-you-can-you-write-a-blurb-letter-of-rec-piece-for-my-anthology?”
Ask for favors AFTER the conference! I mean, unless you enjoy that
uncomfortable moment and awkward triumph of trapping someone into saying yes.
Support the publications at the bookfair. Set a budget for yourself in advance,
and spend some money on literary journals and books and subscriptions, being
sure to break your budget. Do this, and then you won’t feel bad picking up the
stuff that’s been heavily discounted or being given away free on the last day
of the conference. But, please, definitely do spend some money! These journals
and presses rely on OUR support.
Just because something is free, you don’t have to take it. Unless you drove,
you’ll have to find a way to bring home all those heavy books/journals on an
airplane. Or you’ll have to wait in line at the hotel’s business center or the
UPS store at the convention center to ship them home. So, be as discerning as
you can when you see that magic markered “free” sign on top of a pile of
sad-looking journals, abandoned by the grad students with hangovers who didn’t
feel like dealing with their university's bookfair table.
Try not to approach the table of each journal at
the bookfair with this question: “How can I get published in your
journal?” Also, I recommend avoiding this one: “How come you didn’t publish my
poem/story/essay/screed?” Try instead: “What a beautiful journal. Please
tell me more about it.” Even better: “I’m thinking about subscribing.”
It may be too late for some of you, but it’s inevitable that you will see every
writer you’ve ever met in the aisle of the bookfair at one AWP or another…so I
hope you were nice to all of them and never screwed anyone over. Because, yes,
they will remember, and it’s not fun reliving all that drama as the editors
of The Georgia Review gaze on.
Pre-arrange some get-togethers with friends/teachers/grad student buddies, but
don’t over-schedule. You’ll run into people, or meet people, or be invited to a
party, or find an amazing off-the-beaten-track bar. Save some time
for spontaneity! (Yes, I realize that I’m saying “plan” for spontaneity.)
Don’t laugh at this, but bring along Purell and USE IT often. For weeks
after, post-AWP Facebook status updates are filled with writers bemoaning the
deathly cold/sore throat/lingering and mysterious illness they picked up at
AWP. We’re a sniffly, sneezy, wheezy, germy bunch, and the thought of
12,000 of us packed together breathing on each other, shaking hands, and
giving fake hugs of glee gives what’s left of the CDC nightmares.
Along the lines of healthcare, don’t forget to
drink a lot of water and pop an Advil before going to sleep if (haha…if!)
you’ve been drinking a little more than usual. OR: come find me! I will be
handing out small packs of Tylenol to celebrate the recent publication of my
new novel SILVER
GIRL, set in Chicago during the time of Tylenol murders! (Also note that
AWP offers a daily 12-step meeting open to all in recovery. Please take care of
yourself.)
Escape! Whether it’s offsite
dinners/drinks/museums/walks through park/mindless shopping or whatever, do
leave at some point. You will implode if you don’t. Also, the food on the
convention floor is consistently overpriced and icky…you will starve if this is
your entire diet.
Bring your cellphone charger and maybe even a
portable charger. Or maybe you like huddling around electrical outlets?
I can’t believe I’m writing this: the Dance Party
is FUN! I mean it! You don’t even have to go with anyone or be a great dancer
(call me Exhibit A). It’s how to work off stress and reenergize after a long,
sometimes daunting day after too many snubs, imagined and real. I mean, I’m
sure there are all kinds of interesting undercurrents and nuances out there in
the depths of that packed dance floor…but also, on the surface, it can just be
FUN.
This is a super-secret tip that I never share, but
I’ll share it as a reward for those who have read this far: there will be
a bathroom that’s off the beaten track and therefore is never crowded. Scope
out this bathroom early on. Don’t tell anyone except your closest friends the
location of this bathroom.
Finally, take a deep breath. You’re just as much of a writer as the other
11,999 people around you. Don’t let them get to you.
*****
If you're interested, I will be signing SILVER GIRL at
two different times. Come say hi!
Thursday, March 8, 11:30 am-12:00 pm
Book signing @ THE CINCINNATI REVIEW / ACRE BOOKS
booth
Friday, March 9, 11:00 am-12:00 pm
Book signing @ CONVERSE COLLEGE LOW RESIDENCY MFA/SOUTH 85 JOURNAL booth
*****
